Bitchin' Pitchin'

So, there I am with my screenplay all dust-jacketed, the episodes plotted and the analysis jiggled into something that might make sense to others. I've tagged the pitch to the end and sent in that analysis document to my tutor. Thankfully he has this to say:

You’ve gone way beyond the call of duty in actually applying ALL the paradigms and then some on top to your work. It’s really interesting to see how each one added something new to the story, and you discuss them brilliantly.

Well thank Gawd for that! However, my pitch:

When Edward Baker, an IT Consultant with a guilty conscience and an impulse for taking responsibility, starts predicting the future, he agrees to help Hakim Sahir, a dead Islamic Mystic, save an illusive Russian girl with a secret from being kidnapped. But, Hakim isn’t being wholly honest with Edward, and Edward must come to terms with the fact that whilst no one can change the future, in order to save the ones he loves, he must try.

Dark Machine is an 8 episode series that takes the mythologies of shows like X Files, Lost and Heroes and matches them against the mind-bending situation of Life on Mars with a dash of Cronenberg. Like Heroes, Dark Machine establishes an audience-friendly system of regular plot questions and pay offs, whilst the cliff-hanger ending provides sufficient answers and a hook for the second season.

... and breathe! It's a little bit stiff, like a runaway train that takes you on the journey but won't let you stop for photos. My tutor says:

The industry pitch is perhaps a little too dry, which is understandable coming out of an academic essay. For instance you could use simpler language (i.e. rather than say ‘an impulse for taking responsibility’ I’d say ‘an impulse for taking on too much’).

And then he directed me to this absolutely amazing example, which couldn't have come out at a better time. The examples really signify the difference between a good and a bad pitch... Robin Kelly.