I've tried to pull out all the self-referencing statements ofhumiliation and knowing and specifically opened up the opening and the discovering the weapons. I'm still a little fuzzy on it being mono-modal though because I'm not sure if there are still any moments that could be bettered through showing rather than the fictional descriptions of self.
So, I believe these two point might still be outstanding on the current attachment:
- You still occasionally shove the narrator's mental state down the audience's throat instead of thinking about how it can be shown through words and actions.
- You need to take the opportunities to evoke place whenever they arise- it's still rather mono-modal, stuck inside this very unusual
To which he's replied (postively - yay!):
Yes, better, but you diagnose the issues well! Try not to give the gameaway every time you take the story on to the next stage ('That's where I discovered Grandpa's firearms' - 'firearms' makes the narrator soundlike a policeman, and we need the suspense of finding out what he found). Look for other examples of this narrative overloading - there are a few.
Lots still to do in the mental-athletics of my mind. Though, looking back over the weeks of input I've had from my tutor I start to wonder, wouldn't this have been easier without the middle-man? My tutor could have written it better on his own. :)