The topic of the Saturday workshop was very apt, consolidating on much that I had been dealing with recently and the culmination of the past 2 years – an ending that is now in sight and the possible changes that will occur because of that.
The interesting part of the day was the discovery that an amazing number of changes have been going on for whilst I have been fighting through one big issue, changes that had meant very little and gone under the radar – changes that actually show that my outlook on life, the way I treat others and my own self awareness has been altered.
I can see that it is empowering for a helpee to look back and see the changes they have made or been a part of, as it helps to show that nothing stays the same and that there is always a path to travel.
The flipside of endings is the loss and abandonment – the feeling of “what is my place in this world? What is my purpose?” I realise that there is a need to manage expectations and keep a positive, forward-moving, motivated view of things to come. From a helping point of view, the end of helping can directly affect the helpee – being sent out into the world to face it “alone”, regardless of the new self awareness and skills learnt.
For me that moving on and loss is sad, because I feel that the friendships I have, for example on this course, are of circumstance. We have something in common – namely: learning and self awareness. After the closure of the course there will no longer be anything to hold our relationships together, which to me I find quite sad. This is because I have invested part of myself in getting to know these people and that over time apart that will be eroded.
This in itself highlights something else said by a couple of those who have been through a divorce: the betrayal they have felt and the loss coming from their divorce has meant that they never give fully of themselves to their next partners. They always hold something back so that they won’t get hurt again.
I believe that I have experienced this to a lesser degree in what I believe are those friends I have invested time and emotion into, choosing to ditch, or as I see it: betray, me because they have heard a rumour regarding my brother and tied me in by association. The discussion on transitional objects and endings of things like friendships and courses and the relation back to everything changes and moves forward, perhaps, I think, is allowing me to also let go of those feelings of betrayal.
By the time my brother’s tribunal is over I might be ready to start opening up new choices, I might lose my fear of what might happen if I choose to make a big change, I might actually start living my life again.